The Real Reason Why So Many Women Avoid Intimacy With Their Husband.
You know, so many women avoid intimacy with their husbands and
I'm not just talking about sex, I'm talking about cuddling and
kissing and touching of any kind. So in this video, I want to address
why is that happening.
So that women don't feel alone and like there is something wrong
with them and start diagnosing themselves.
If this is your situation, please know that you are not alone,
it is not your fault and there is a solution and my guess is that
you probably never even considered what I'm about to share today.
Because women have been taught so much to blame themselves and
not to look at other factors surrounding them.
So understanding why so many women avoid intimacy with their
husband is really critical because it taps into a larger problem
that so few people are actually talking about and then instead
of intimacy being that nourishing self-care practice that
lowers the heart rate, increases that oxytocin bonding hormone
and creates feelings of well-being,
it does the opposite. It raises blood pressure, increases cortisol,
it creates more stress and overwhelm in the system and adds to
that mental load that some of us are very familiar with.
So let me tell you a story.
I used to dodge all of my husband's advances.
It is taller than me and a bigger guy.
And when he would come in for a hug or kiss, or any sort of initiating
physical touch, it would take everything in my power to just stay
there and participate to whatever degree I could and sometimes
that was very little. I would make excuses and I would get out of there.
Sometimes I would dodge him literally and that would lead to a
lot of fighting. He would feel rejected, not important, and not understand.
And quite frankly, I didn't understand. I didn't know what was
going on with me.
And so for years, I felt so broken because isn't that what women
are supposed to do? You're married.
You have a good husband, you love each other.
You're supposed to just want to be always hanging off of each other
and wanting that's what passion is all about.
That's it should be there.
So it didn't make sense to me.
And unfortunately, what ended up happening with
me, and I've seen this in so, so many women that I serve is that they
go to get support and then everyone that they go to get support
with diagnosis them, just like they're diagnosing themselves
and continues that investigation about what's wrong with them
instead of looking at the environment that they're in.
So I reached a turning point where I had to decide that I was going
to stop diagnosing myself and actually listen, how radical is
that, actually stop and listened to myself and believe what
I was truly feeling. Listening to what I was feeling and believing
what I was feeling.
So many women are taught not to believe themselves. That they're
being overly dramatic or too emotional or the amount of gas lighting
that goes on for women is astronomical in our society.
So when I actually took a pause,
I discovered that I wasn't actually feeling safe.
So that feeling like I wanted to run away or punch him in the face,
that was the classic fight, flight, or freeze response.
Now, you may say and many say that you just need to go and heal your trauma.
And it's yet another way that women are diagnosed and blamed for what's going on.
And I hear this so many times. Women come to me and they're like, "yeah,
my husband thinks it's because I've got something in my past."
Listen, I have done that.
I'd gone to the therapist and I'd done all the investigation and nothing had helped.
I'd still had the same feeling of not wanting to participate in
what my husband was initiating.
I was avoiding him.
So I decided to just do something incredibly radical, not so radical,
and I gave myself permission to get what I needed, which was safety,
which was control over when and how my body was used in my, in
my relationship, for my pleasure and for my husband's pleasure.
I needed boundaries, I needed comfort.
So guess what happened when that happened?
Amazing things, right?
A lot of women are saying that they experience this as well.
What happened when that happened was, oh my gosh, I stopped avoiding
intimacy with my husband. The miracle cure occured.
Now we have way more physical touch
that feels delightful for both of us.
That's it! I didn't root around in my past to heal my trauma, which
I didn't even know I had or maybe I did.
I didn't take some magical pills that just stopped me wanting to
avoid my husband.
I just gave myself what I needed.
So, how do we work this right now?
I initiate physical touch when I want it, or when my husband initiates
it, it's a very specific way in which I've told him I'm super comfortable with.
So, at this point
a lot of women will say, "I feel safe."
I feel safe.
So if that's you, that's amazing.
But just, let's pause here for a second and do a little investigation.
Tell yourself the truth.
When you get out of the shower and you're naked and your husband's
ogling at you, do you feel a hundred percent safe?
When your husband just reaches for your hand in the car,
does that make you feel a hundred percent safe? When he comes in
for a kiss, when you go to bed and he's naked, are all of those scenarios
a hundred percent safe?
Now, you've probably been not feeling safe and comfortable for so long
you think that that feeling is normal.
It's natural to feel a little edgy, a little tension, a little
bit of, like, I don't know...I don't really. That's not normal.
That's not natural. It's common but it's not natural.
It's not the state that your body should be in to keep you
happy and healthy and around your marriage for the long-term.
So, in case you missed it, the reason why so many women avoid intimacy
with their husband is because they don't feel safe.
These are happy marriages, these are great men.
Not feeling safe, doesn't mean that anyone has done anything
wrong in the situation. It's just a fact, and then when you treat
the facts, when you work with facts, then you don't waste precious
time diagnosing women and then you solve the issue.
So, I encourage you to move forward and tell yourself the truth.
How you feel and give yourself what you need in order to feel safe,
a hundred percent a time.
And guess what will happen? You will
stop avoiding intimacy with your husband.
Now, I want to recognize that this will take time.
It's why I walk women through my program, Wanting It More, for eight
weeks, but I just needed to give you a little tip
here so you can get started on your own and
start to see that what you're feeling is legitimate and you can
believe yourself and you can give yourself but you need to feel
safe. And the wanting, that natural desire, it won't happen overnight.
You'll have to have some space and freedom to just recalibrate
and actually notice and learn what your body does want
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